What if……..

‘But you don’t know how,’ taunts doubt.

‘You’re not good enough, strong enough or clever enough,’ whispers negativity.

‘But what if you tried?’ urges hope fluttering its tiny wings, vibrations course through me, propelling me forwards.

It is time to make a choice.

I stand on the precipice of fear, close my eyes and jump.

I fly.

 

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. A post inspired by a prompt, write the first thing you think of and post without editing. Today’s prompt is to use either bat, bet, bit, bot or but. 

Reawakening – Flash Fiction – SoCS

I potter around, wiping the already clean hob. I rarely cook proper food anymore. There seems little point for one. The DJ tells me it’s going to rain later.

‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘but you needn’t worry. I wasn’t going out anyway.’

You would laugh at me talking to the radio. Actually you wouldn’t. You would be saddened by how insular I have become but my world, so huge when it revolved around you, has withered and shrunk like my heart.

I miss you.

It’s songs from the musicals for the next hour. We used to love our theatre nights. You would insist on wearing a suit in an age where being dressed up looked out of place. ‘Must make an effort to take my most beautiful girl out.’

I would sing the show songs on the way home as you tapped along on the steering wheel. Music that once filled me with joy is a way to mask the silence now. The radio my only companion. I am lonely.

I twist the thin gold band around my wrinkled finger.

Singing in the rain fills the kitchen. Your favourite.

I open the back door and step outside for the first time in months. Raising my face to the sky rainwater merges with tears as I begin to sing in a shaky voice. What a glorious feeling, I can be happy again. It’s what you would have wanted.

Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Prompt prefix re-.

SoCS – If I could start over

I am climbing up the stairs, the creaking is my knees,
I can’t quite hear you, can you speak up please,
I really can’t read this, the print it is far too small,
I feel like I am shrinking, I no longer feel so tall.

My once firm body now hangs soft and saggy,
My skin is far too big, leathery and baggy,
I have lost my independence, I can’t nip to the shop,
The world is quickly changing, I wish that it would stop.

My mind it still remembers, the joy that I once had,
Of climbing trees, and swimming seas, when I was just a lad,
Falling in love with a beautiful girl and making her my wife,
Buying our first home together and building a new life,

Having our three babies, and watching as they grew,
Holidays and Christmases and picnics at the zoo,
My memory is full of happy times and love fills up my heart,
I wouldn’t change a single thing if I could go back to the start.

A quick bit of fun for this weeks Stream of Consciousness – I am far from a poet! Prompt – age.

SoCS – Double your money

I received an email this morning via Linkedin from a ‘Wealth Manager’ who promised he can double my money. Apparently he has created some of the richest families in the UK. Indeed he can practically make me a millionaire by tea time and can meet with me straight away if I agree.

I have to admit I am tempted. I currently have £2.47 in my bank account. If he could magically transform that into £4.94 this afternoon that could buy my obligatory Saturday evening bottle of Merlot. Now where’s his number ……………….

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. Prompt double.

SoCS – hear/here

I am smiling on the outside,
Screaming on the inside,
Why can’t you hear?

You touch me and I shudder,
I grit my teeth and swallow,
I don’t want you near.

I am lonely and I’m broken,
Crying on the floor now,
Please leave me here.

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. Prompt here/hear.

Flash Fiction – SoCS – Where would the world be?

 

‘You are good,’ said Father Brian admiring the patchwork of colour Janet had created. Containers of sweet peas, peonies and lavender bought a warmth to the cool, dark church. ‘I wish more people were like you. The world would be a better place.’

‘I do my best,’ blushed Janet.’‘See you tomorrow Father.’

Janet turned into the High Street towards home. The sound of crying sliced through her thoughts. About 40 yards ahead of her was a lone girl of around 6, her face as pink as her torn dress. Long blonde hair hung in matted clumps around her face which was sodden with tears. Blood oozed down her leg from a cut knee, staining her white ankle sock crimson.

Janet pretended to search in her bag for something as she crossed the street. It wouldn’t do to approach a child nowadays. You could be accused of anything. Anyway, she was certain the mother would turn up soon.

Outside the chemist a man hunkered down wrapped in a grimy blanket and sheets of sorrow. His face dark with dirt and loss. A shabby cap was placed in front of him, as he tried to collect loose change and hope from a world that had turned its back long ago. Avoiding eye contact Janet stepped over his dreams of a hot dinner. What was the world coming to begging in the streets? This was England for heavens sake!

At the crossroads the Big Issue seller smiled at Janet. ‘A magazine to help the homeless?’ he proffered. Janet didn’t break her stride, her gaze fixed firmly on a spot in the distance as she bustled ahead.

Turning right into Brown Street Janet was relieved to be home. As she turned her door key she could hear the fumbling of her neighbour unlocking her door.  Stepping over her threshold Janet slammed the door behind her. Old Mrs Davies always wanted a chat. ‘It’s not my problem her husband has died and her children don’t visit’, thought Janet. ‘Besides, my programme starts in 10 minutes.’

The shrill sound of the telephone shattered the silence.

‘Hello,’

‘Hello Janet. I’ve been trying you all afternoon.’

Hello Doris. It was my afternoon for volunteering at the church, doing the flowers for the service tomorrow.’

‘You are such a good person Janet. Always thinking of others.’

‘I know. But where would the world be if we didn’t all do our bit?’

 

 

Written for SoCS. This weeks prompt is ‘end the post with a question and use an exclamation mark somewhere.’ I have not written fiction for this challenge before as was hesitant to stick to the rules of posting without editing.  Kindness is very much on my mind today so the above is my unedited story. (which I guess is the point of Streams of Consciousness)! 

 

‘Where would the world be if we didn’t all do our bit?’

SoCS – Close your eyes and wake up

 

“Your vision becomes clear when you look inside your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” – Carl Jung

 

Mindfulness meditation has enabled me to reconnect to the inner peace inside, that contentment we are born with but lose as we develop the ability to wish things were different. We put off happiness, endlessly waiting until things are fixed, changed or improved to find our nirvana. How often have you said to yourself ‘I will be happy when I get a new job/earn more money/lose 10lbs?’

External changes often don’t dispel the inner gnawing discontentment and then what? Call off the search, you have everything you need within. Become a consciousness explorer. Close your eyes and wake up.

Mindfulness has been so life changing for me I am now privileged enough to be able to share it with others. I now teach it and offer Skype coaching, 1-2-1 sessions and group courses.

 

Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. ‘Your prompt is “side.” Add a prefix or a suffix or use it as is’.

SoCS – Getting away

I logged on to my reader this morning to catch up on some lovely blogs I follow and couldn’t help smiling when I saw the prompt for yesterday’s SoCS was ‘getting away.’ I wasn’t going to participate myself this week as I am actually away for a few days myself but now can’t resist a quick post.

I am staying with relatives in Wales for a much needed break, life has been super hectic lately. This photo is the beautiful view from my bedroom window, it’s a pleasure waking up to the gentle sound of the bleating lambs who live on the lush green rolling hills.

I have been reluctantly living in a town for the past few years but am a country girl at heart. As I drive into the gateway here amongst horses, dogs and cats, my muscles visibly relax.

I guess we all have a place where we can totally unwind and this is mine. Where’s yours?

Written for a Stream of Consciousness Saturday, prompt – Getting away

SoCS – My body is awesome

 

My body is awesome.

I never used to think this way. Ironically it has only been in the last few years since acquiring a disability that I have learnt to love myself.

When I was younger I used to weigh myself every single morning and that figure on the scale would govern my entire day from how I dressed, what I ate and most importantly my mood. I used to believe the way I looked defined who I was. After all our appearance is the first thing we notice about each other and although pretty much everyone is familiar with ‘never judge a book by its cover,’ sadly many automatically do.

After my health circumstances changed so drastically I began to explore mindfulness as a way to cope with both the daily pain and the emotional distress a chronic health condition can bring. I reconnected to my conscious awareness, that inner peace that is present from birth. We commonly lose sight of this as we grow and develop our (often unhealthy) belief systems.  Exploring my consciousness helped me understand I am not my body. It’s just a place I inhabit in this lifetime. and doesn’t define who I am. We can lose pieces of our bodies, limbs, skin, one of our senses and it doesn’t make us any less of a person. I call the body the ‘little me’. Me, the actual ‘big me’, is something beautifully whole, intangible and perfect.

I am grateful for the body I have and I am thankful for all it still can do. I have an extraordinary skeleton which houses all the vital organs I need that function each day for my health and wellbeing.

My body is awesome, but you know what? So is yours.

 

Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Word prompt – ‘Body’.

 

SoCS – Emote

Yesterday I had a really emotional day collecting my new car. Now this should be a cause for celebration and while I do feel very thankful to be mobile, saying goodbye to my trusty old Honda was gut-wrenchingly painful.

I have had the same car for the over 12 years. My children have grown up in it and we have gone from sticky fingerprints and baby seats to trips to view prospective universities and driving lessons. My youngest child made his first trip home from the hospital in it, only hours old, filling the interior with his delicious baby smell.

Collecting our gorgeous boxer puppy was one of the best trips we ever made, and leaving him the vets, years later as he lost his long battle with cancer has to be the saddest. 

The car has accompanied us on sunny summer holidays, helped deliver umpteen christmas presents and generally been an all round constant in our ever changing lives.

I had become so ridiculously attached to this inanimate object I cried handing over my keys and log book at the garage.

The end of an era.

 

 

Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, write the first thing that comes into your head following a word prompt. No editing, no overthinking. This weeks prompt is ’emote’.