#Giveaway – Signed copy of ‘The Family’ & ‘The Life We Almost Had’ mug – Tea & a book!

 

In the past few days since my debut love story, ‘The Life We Almost Had‘ has been published on ebook and audio in the UK I’ve been touched to see there are already sixty 4 & 5* reviews on Amazon (and you can read snippets of the wonderful things readers are saying below). It’s difficult to get across just how important reviews are to an author, they make a huge difference to the success of a book. Amazon, for example, take into account reviews before considering novels for one of their promotions and being included in an Amazon monthly deal, or similar, really boosts the visibility of a book.

The Life We Almost Had‘ is my first novel written under my pen name Amelia Henley so, as well as hoping for enough sales to be offered a new book deal in this genre, I’ve been reading the reviews very carefully to see what readers have enjoyed about Adam and Anna’s very unusual love story and taking all the comments on board. To find it’s really touching peoples’ hearts means such a lot to me.

At the beginning of the book Anna questions whether love can really be eternal. By the end she has her answer although not in the way you’d think. This is NOT a typical love story, but it’s Adam & Anna’s love story. What would you sacrifice for a second chance at first love?

To show my appreciation I am giving away a ‘The Life We Almost Had‘ mug, along with a signed copy of my latest psychological thriller ‘The Family‘ to a UK reader this week. I’ll be doing this later in the month too so if you haven’t read it yet, don’t worry (you can grab a copy for 99p right now as it’s part of the Amazon Monthly Deal). Just drop a link to your review either in the comments below or on one of my social media platforms and I’ll be drawing the winner’s name from a hat on Friday. If you’ve posted your review anywhere other than Amazon you’ll still be eligible to enter but if you could spare a few minutes to pop your review across I’d be SO grateful.

There will also be giveaways during September to celebrate paperback publication day on the 4th so if you don’t already give me a follow on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram and keep up with my news.

Louise x

The Life We Almost Had‘ is currently 99p across all digital platforms during August. Download it from Amazon, iBooks, Kobo or Google.

You can preorder the paperback from Amazon or Waterstones or support your local bookstore. 

Here’s what readers are saying so far –

“I have never, ever read a love story quite like this. Probably the best book I’ve read this year.”

“It’s truly unique.”

“A stunningly-written story of love & loss that made me smile & brought me to tears in equal measure.”

“Beautiful & Remarkable.”

“The Life We Almost Had has the twist least likely to be guessed of any book I can think of. The book is clever. Of course it’s a love story, but a unique one.”

“It’s one I can’t stop thinking about. It’s a stunning novel & one that I know will stay with me. I highly recommend it.”

“There’s so much more in this novel that I can’t mention but something so beautiful & remarkable. I wanted it all to be real & possible because it’s breathtaking &  incredible.”

“I’ve been gently tugged out of my usual genre with The Life We Almost Had, a stunningly-written story of love & loss that made me smile & brought me to tears in equal measure. Just as page-turning as a thriller & double the goosebumps. Characters, plot, setting, pacing = nailed.”

“Wow….I was NOT expecting this AT ALL! The tagline of the book ‘this is not a typical love story’, is bang on. I would even go as far as to say that I have never, ever read a love story quite like this. Probably the best book I’ve read this year.”

“The Life We Almost Had is an out of this world read that is truly unique. It has all the trappings of a typical romance but there is also so much more. I was completely hooked by it.”

“I’m not one to read romance just for romance. I need meat! I need something that makes the romance plausible, tangible, palpable. What Anna & Adam have is beautiful & heart-breaking, it made my heart swell with happiness & break into little pieces.”

“Just when you think you’ve worked out where it’s going, Henley pops in a plot twist & bam! You’re off in a completely different direction. The intricacies in the plot & the rich level of detail show that Henley knows her characters inside out.”

“Thought ‘The Life We Almost Had’ was ‘just’ a romance? Think again!”

“I have no doubt whatsoever that Amelia Henley will be touching hearts all over the world with such a detailed, emotional, & outstanding tale of true love & learning when & how to trust your heart.”

 

Publication day & it isn’t quite what I’d thought…

 

Ever since I read Little Women as a child I’ve dreamed of publishing an emotive story that will make readers cry…. that day has come! My debut contemporary fiction novel, ‘The Life We Almost Had‘ (written under my pen name Amelia Henley) is landing on people’s kindles RIGHT NOW across the UK (other countries to follow). Although the early Netgalley and blogger reviews have been amazing it’s still a nerve wracking time for a writer. It sounds mean but each time a reader has emailed me to say the story made them cry I’ve been secretly pleased.

Launching a debut during a pandemic has meant there have been no promotional events, no physical book launch, and many stores right now are only taking stock from established writers but these are small issues comparatively speaking and I feel so grateful to everyone who has worked so hard behind the scenes to keep producing books during these unsettled times. I take great comfort in fiction, as I know others do too.

I’d had the idea of Adam and Anna’s emotional love story while I was on holiday in Lanzarote but as I was already contracted to writing thrillers I tried to put it out of my mind.

I couldn’t.

Their story was so unusual it was impossible not to think about it and so I decided to write it in my spare time. (Full time job – writing. Hobby – writing. I really am quite boring…). There was such a sense of freedom exploring their relationship which has so many twists and turns, without a contract I didn’t have to think about the confines of genre or how commercial it was.

My research took me from Lanzarote to Magdalen College in Oxford where I studied consciousness and neuroscience (did I mention this isn’t a typical love story) and if I’d a publisher waiting for it I might have been hesitant about incorporating technology into my story but I followed my heart and wrote the book I’d love to read and I am immensely proud of it.

I feel so blessed that when it was finished my editor loved it and offered to publish it even though I wasn’t entirely sure what genre to describe it was – ‘At it’s heart, it’s an epic, heart wrenching love story,’ she said and it is. One filled with hope, loyalty, courage and friendship that asks how far you’d go for a second chance at first love.

It will be hard letting go of Adam and Anna and this story which was inspired by, and dedicated to, my wonderful brother-in-law Glyn who we sadly lost during lockdown, 2 days before my paperbacks arrived I wish he were here to see his name on the dedication page and know how much he meant to me. I shall be raising a glass to him tonight on this bittersweet day.

These are such strange times we are living in. Stay safe and keep reading.

Louise x

The Life We Almost Had‘ is on Amazon here as an ebook, paperback and audiobook or support your local bookstore who can order a copy in. (Paperback Publication 4th September).

 

The paperbacks I didn’t want to hold…

A couple of days ago my dreams came true when a big box arrived from Harper Collins publishers. I knew it was my debut love story, ‘The Life We Almost Had’ which publishes this July under the pen name ‘Amelia Henley’.

“But that’s not your name”, says Granger.

As this is a completely different genre for me my editor wanted to keep this strand of publishing separate to my thrillers (of which a new one, The Stolen Sisters, is coming soon…)

Usually, I’d unbox my books within seconds but, because of the virus, I cautiously left them by the front door until this morning.

The cover is beautiful and I couldn’t be prouder of this unusual love story featuring Adam and Anna, characters who will always stay with me. This novel is, in part, set on a Spanish Island based on Lanzarote which is one of my favourite places in the world. It’s a story of love, loyalty, hope and courage and asks how far you’d go for a second chance. The risk Anna takes could have potentially devastating consequences…

I’m thrilled that early reviews have been so positive and I can’t wait to get this story into the hands of readers. The ebook and audio will be published next month, with the paperback coming in September. All available to preorder now in the UK from Amazon here, or from your local bookshop.

Here’s the blurb: –

This is not a typical love story, but it’s our love story.

Anna wasn’t looking for love when Adam swept her off her feet but there was no denying their connection, and she believed they would be together forever.

Years later, cracks have appeared in their relationship. Anna is questioning whether their love can really be eternal when a cruel twist of fate delivers a crushing blow, and Anna and Adam are completely lost to one another. Now, Anna needs Adam more than ever, but the way back to him has life-changing consequences.

Is a second chance at first love really worth the sacrifice? Anna needs to decide and time is running out…

The Life We Almost Had – COVER REVEAL & NEWS

 

The cover reveal is one of the most exciting parts of publishing a book. Today, I’m revealing my new cover during these strange new times we have found ourselves in, not with my usual excitement, but nevertheless, I’m pleased to show you my beautiful cover for ‘The Life We Almost Had.’ (BIG shout out here not just to my publishers, but to ALL publishers for working so hard to still get books out there during challenging circumstances. Now, more than ever, we need the escapism that stories can bring).

‘The Life We Almost Had’ is being released under my pen name Amelia Henley and is a bit of a mixed genre, but at its heart it’s a love story. HQ are billing it as ‘the most romantic book you’ll read this year.’ This weekend the first three readers have read it (one man and two women) and ALL have cried. ‘Unusual and compelling’ ‘Beautifully heartwrenching’ ‘Such a strong story of courage, loyalty and hope’ is some of the feedback I have received so far.

The story of Anna and Adam which is partly set on a Spanish Island based on Lanzarote asks – How far will you go for a second chance at first love? The book club questions at the back of the novel will lead to some pretty interesting discussions (from a safe distance) around morality I hope.

It’s available to pre-order in the UK now via Amazon, iBooks, Google Books, Kobo or Waterstones and will be published on 23rd July in the UK with details of the US publication date to follow. Please also do support your local indie bookshops. Many are happy to take orders and post them out even if they aren’t physically open at the moment. In these incredibly testing times where many authors are currently unable to write due to homeschooling their children, and publishers are finding themselves with closed offices, printers, suppliers and retailers please do support the publishing industry so we can keep putting stories into the hands of readers.

Here’s the blurb: –

This is not a typical love story, but it’s our love story.

Anna wasn’t looking for love when Adam swept her off her feet but there was no denying their connection, and she believed they would be together forever.

Years later, cracks have appeared in their relationship. Anna is questioning whether their love can really be eternal when a cruel twist of fate delivers a crushing blow, and Anna and Adam are completely lost to one another. Now, Anna needs Adam more than ever, but the way back to him has life-changing consequences.
 
Is a second chance at first love really worth the sacrifice? Anna needs to decide and time is running out…

For book reviewers and bloggers, The Life We Almost Had will be available to request on Netgalley this week. Please do bear in mind that NetGalley requests might take a little more time than usual to be granted right now. Everyone is doing the best they can to keep things running smoothly.

Soon I’ll be sharing a little more about why I wrote this story, what it means to me and the details of the online launch where there will be giveaways. In the meantime, take care.

Amelia/Louise X

 

 

Paris!! The Coronavirus, disability & me – My trip.

It had been 17 years since I last visited Paris. My youngest son had never been, his older brother only had sketchy memories. We were due a holiday and wanted something different – a city break. All being creatives, Paris had to be that city. We spent months researching the arrondissements, the tourist attractions and the places we could visit off the beaten track. We decided on an apartment rather than a hotel, wanting to experience a tiny bit of Parisian life, drinking coffee on our own balcony, overlooking the rooftops. Our train to London was booked, along with the Eurostar. I devoured novel after novel set in the City of Light. I was immensely excited, nothing could spoil our trip.

And then the Coronavirus hit.

We were part of a visit Paris group on-line – everyone remained upbeat – nobody was going to cancel – cases in distant countries weren’t going to deter people from travelling. But then the virus escalated and suddenly the countries affected weren’t too distant and after an outbreak in Italy it was only a mater of time before it spread widely in France. People began cancelling their trips, should we?

Two days before we were due to leave The Louvre was closed with warnings that more attractions would follow. A hotel of tourists in Tenerife was quarantined. We were concerned, not solely because of the virus but because we didn’t want to be stuck overseas. My son had to be back at uni on time for assessments otherwise he might have to repeat his second year.

The day before we were due to travel there was a massive rise in cases in France. I rang my insurance company, would they cover us if we didn’t travel. They wouldn’t. Rather than excitement about our impending trip, all I felt was a sick dread. Was I putting my children in danger? What should we do? On the morning of our departure, we were still debating. In the end we decided to risk it and hope for the best. Hurriedly I packed, clothes for rainy days, layers for the chill and plenty of things to do in case we were quarantined. Our journey was uneventful, no health checks were made or questions were asked when leaving our country or entering France,

On our first day I was anxious, we decided to have a calming wander around the city. I had a loose itinerary but knew from past experience the best way to enjoy Paris is to follow your feet and see what you stumble across, around every corner is a joy to discover.

We stepped out into the glorious Spring sunshine and meandered past the stunning architecture, sharing a smile. We were here! It was okay! Before long we spotted signs for a museum. When we got there it was closed, the sign on the door was in French but we understood the heading in thick, blood letters ‘CORONOVIRUS’ we turned away, just as a group wearing face masks passed us. It was sobering. Again I wondered if we should have stayed at home. The streets were quieter than usual. On the bridge a man coughed and visitors skirted around him, however there weren’t nearly as many people wearing masks as I thought there would be, most people weren’t.

A handful of attractions were closed because of the virus but there is so much to do in Paris it didn’t matter. As the days passed we (I) grew more relaxed. The city wasn’t crowded, it was always possible to get a table in a cafe. There were no queues anywhere, not even at the Eiffel Tower or Musee D’Orsay. It was Paris like I’d never experienced before and likely never will again.

In retrospect I am so glad we didn’t cancel our trip but that’s no judgement on people who do. Face masks and fear are things you shouldn’t have to content with on a vacation. Paris will (should) always be there, hopefully the virus won’t.

We crammed such a lot into our week, far too much to share but these were our highlights: –

Place de Vosges – This is the oldest planned square in Paris. The writer, Victor Hugo lived in one of the gorgeous houses here. It’s so tranquil it’s like stepping back in time. There are some amazing galleries and boutiques lining the square as well as the bookshop in Hotel Sully.

J J Leto is the best busker I have ever seen and definitely one of my favourite things. The second we saw him we settled ourselves on the pavement and listened to his entire set before buying one of his CD’s. It’s the unexpected delights that often make a trip. This was one of them.

 

We wandered along the river and ended up at the Luxembourg Gardens which was a very pretty oasis away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Montmartre is one of my favourite places. I love the street art and the galleries. We visited the Montmartre Museum and I was thrilled to try the swing featured in Renoir’s ‘The Swing’ painting. The Sacre Coeur is stunning and the views across the city are breathtaking.

 

I’m a bit of a stationery obsessive so Melodies Graphiques was a real treat. I came away with bags of handmade paper, a dip pen and ink vowing to write everything the old-fashioned way from now on. Expect my next book to be ready in about 2029…

 

We were lucky that in between the torrential bouts of rain it was warm enough to sit outside at the cafes, soak up the atmosphere and eat a waffle or two.

 

The Eiffel Tower offers such sweeping views it’s great for a photo opportunities. For the best view of the tower head over to the Trocadero and of course, go back at night to see it illuminated and watch the light show that sparkles every hour.

 

I’m such an art lover but I knew we wouldn’t have time to see all the galleries and so I chose carefully. The Musee D’Orsay did not disappoint. I became quite emotional to see paintings I had admired for years via books (including Renoir’s The Swing – I think I’d nailed it.)

The French were so friendly. I greeted everyone with a happy smile and a ‘Bonjour’ and received the same in return. The food was heavenly – we didn’t have a single bad meal although sometimes we had to try several restaurants before we found a vegetarian option.

We would avoid – taxis – we sat in traffic for so long the first day we didn’t bother again. The metro is simple once you’ve done it once and there’s always someone who will help you out.

 

We came away laden with wine, cheese and chocolate; many happy memories and a love for the city. Paris – we shall see you again soon!

Lastly, a few words about disabled access. I have compromised mobility and although I didn’t take my wheelchair I was heavily reliant on crutches. I have walked more this week than I thought was possible (and am paying for it heavily!) The French are super conscious and considerate of anyone disabled. Each time on the Metro I was offered a seat. Had there been queues at attractions I could have skipped them if I’d asked at the front of the queue. There are a lot of stairs in the city. Some avoidable. Some not. The Sacre Coeur has a few hundred but you can avoid most (there are still some) of these by riding up in the Funicular (which is free with a metro pass). The Pantheon had a ramp. Most restaurants and cafes unfortunately have toilets downstairs. There are very few lifts in eating establishments. Most metro stations don’t have them. There are many toilet facilities scattered around the city which I think should fit a wheelchair in. Some of the larger places (The Musee D’Orsay for example) have wheelchairs which you can borrow.

Why the HQ New Voices literary showcase event made me furious

Last night was the HQ Stories New Voices Showcase. An evening where over 70 journalists and bloggers would gather in the impressive function room at the Harper Collins Offices, with the sweeping panoramic views of London, to listen to authors pitch their forthcoming novels.

We were given sixty seconds each to talk about our plot or the inspiration behind our stories. When I read the brief I thought sixty seconds wasn’t long enough to talk about my forthcoming Amelia Henley love story, ‘The Life We Almost Had.

I was wrong.

Some of you know I once had a phobia of public speaking – not a touch of anxiety – but actual fainting or vomiting or sometimes both. Some of you know I had a course of hypnotherapy to overcome this phobia when I was asked to talk at Althorp Literary Festival about my thriller (you can read about that here.) I’ve spoken at many events since my hypnotherapy – I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the panels and the Q & A’s I’ve taken part in.

I was aware that this pitch would be the first time ever I’d be on stage alone but it was just sixty seconds. It would just pass in a flash, I’d thought.

I was wrong about that too.

Patiently I waited at the side of the stage for my turn listening to the other authors pitch their books, some with humour, some with true stories behind them, all with a confidence I did not feel. As I listened to them I knew I wanted to read each and every one of their books.

It was my turn to talk about ‘The Life We Almost Had’. The walk to the podium felt extraordinarily long. Eyes weighing heavily on me as I began my polished pitch only suddenly it wasn’t so polished. I was talking about something personal, my family, and voicing aloud for the first time the sad inspiration behind my story brought with it an onslaught of emotions that I fought to keep in check. Sixty seconds felt like the longest time but when I’d finished I realised I’d missed out a vital sentence in the middle of my pitch and thought without it, it might not have made sense to anyone.

On the train, I was furious with myself all the way home. Sixty seconds. How could I have messed up sixty seconds when my story means so much to me. When my characters Adam and Anna mean so much to me.

At home I opened Twitter. I’d received a lovely message from a book blogger. “When you said at the end of you speech ‘At the beginning of the book Adam and Anna question whether love can be eternal, by the end of their story they have their answer’ has made me desperate to read it.”

Tearfully I replied, that was the reaction I had hoped for. That’s when I realised. It was because I cared so much I was angry and that was something that all of the authors in that room had in common last night.

We cared.

Our stories might be in different genres but we were all passionate about the worlds we had created. We all wanted to share those worlds and it was that passion that made me desperate to read every single book I’d heard talked about, it wasn’t necessarily what the author said (or didn’t say in my case). We all spoke from the heart and are all immensely proud of the books we have written and ultimately that was what shone through and made the evening such a special one.

Big thanks to HQ for arranging the event and to everyone who came along and supported it. I loved meeting so many new people and am really grateful my editor invited me along. And a huge shout out to the incredible authors last night who stepped out of their comfort zones (and in my case my pyjamas) to share their stories. I had a fabulous time.

Book bloggers Linda Hill, Jacob Collins, Sarah Swan

New book deal. New genre. New beginnings. My HAPPY news!

Writing thrillers is something I am super passionate about. It fulfils the Enid Blyton’s Famous Five obsessive inside of me, the Scooby Doo and the gang need to solve the mystery addict. But I’ve always had another dream. A dream I clutched tightly to my chest promising it one day, eventually, and when I’ve got more time but I never seemed to have more time and eventually never came.  It felt like a secret. A secret I couldn’t quite share. You see, I’d had my heart broken at the age of eight after reading Little Women and that was when I knew with certainty I wanted to one day write a story which would make readers fall in love with the characters, cry for them, hope, question ‘what would I do in that situation.’

It was while I was on holiday in Lanzarote, gazing out to sea that I saw a scene in my mind play out like a movie. Although the scene was imagined it was very real to me, along with the characters, Adam and Anna. Unusually, the idea came fully formed, as though it was their story and I just had to transcibe it.

I sat in a beach bar with my son who is already such a talented writer and I told him I had had an idea. ‘It’s a bit crazy though’ I warned him. ‘All the best ideas are,’ he wisely said. ‘You must write it,’ and so there and then I began to draft notes.  Their journey begins in Lanzarote (although I’ve renamed the island) with a love lock. I was already so invested in Adam and Anna as a couple I purchased them a love lock and fastened it to the chain fence at the beautiful cove where we were staying (which also features in the book). I wrote for the entire plane journey home.

Back at my desk, I picked up where I’d left off with my latest thriller and when I tweeted that I had been so excited about my new idea I felt so sad I had put it to one side. I knew I owed it to Adam and Anna to put down my current work in progress and finish their story. I owed it to myself to write something for pure joy.

 

At Christmas I was in a cab heading to a London event with my agent. ‘How’s the new thriller going?’ He asked. I fiddled nervously with my seatbelt. ‘I’ve stopped working on it. I’m writing something new. It’s not a thriller.’

‘What is it?’ He asked.

‘I don’t think it fits into a genre.’ I explained the concept to him. ‘It’s just for me. I don’t expect anyone else to love it but I need to do this. To write for the love of it rather than for publication.’

‘Then you must do that,’ he said. ‘And if when you’ve finished it you’d let me read it, I’d be delighted to.’

The book came together quicker than anything I’ve ever written before. I wrote constantly, long hours, every single day, not because of a deadline, not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

A few months later I had a novel I was immensely proud of. Tentatively I sent it my agent, he read it, loved it. ‘I’d like to show your editor this other side to your writing, do you mind?’ He asked.  Although I was worried my publishers might be annoyed I’d spent months working on something outside of my contract, I agreed.

Fittingly I was in Lanzarote again, on the same beach, watching the sun set, when the call came to say that my editor had read it and adored it. She’d shared it with the rest of the team at HQ, Harper Collins who thankfully felt just as enthusiastic. They wanted to make an offer.

I cried. A lot. I’d followed my heart and it had paid off. To celebrate, we drank cocktails on sitting on the sand.

Today, I’m so thrilled to be able share with you that my debut Women’s Fiction novel ‘The Life We Almost Had’ will be published this July by HQ under the pseudonym Amelia Henley (you can read The Bookseller announcement here.)

I shall still be writing thrillers under Louise Jensen, I’ve The Stolen Sisters publishing this October. Next summer there will be another Amelia Henley book – this time the heart-breaking story of Libby and Jack, and a further thriller in the autumn.

I feel incredibly blessed to be able to write in different genres and am hugely grateful to my agent, my editor and the whole team at HQ for supporting me in my new publishing strand. I can’t wait to see ‘The Life We Almost Had’ in the hands of readers. You can pre-order it here.

Follow Amelia Henley on social media to keep up to date with the news on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

 

THIS is absolutely the highlight of my career

A few days ago, on holiday, my youngest son excitedly told me Lego are making a ‘Stranger Things’ set.

‘You know you’ve made it when you’re immortalised in Lego,’ I said.

We travelled home this morning, and after I’d showered I opened the door to my study to find this Lego model of my office – complete with inspirational quote board – on my desk.

Next to it was this note: –

So many amazing things have happened over the past three years with my books, and I hope there are many more causes for celebration to come but genuinely no amount of books sales, chart domination or award nominations have come close to the feeling of pride I got when I read this note. Whatever you do in life, to be a success in the eyes of your child…. there is no greater success.

Parenting a child who has depression – Mental Health Matters

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Last September my son left home to begin a new phase of his life at university. Like many mums, I felt a mixture of sorrow, pride, happiness, loneliness, and excitement. I also felt something else.

Fear.

My son has depression, something he’s very open about and shares on his blog. He’d deferred his uni place the previous year, not feeling in the right headspace to go but now…

Now he wasn’t entirely sure but after some medication and therapy, he felt it was now or never.

A few years previously, when his brother had plans to go to uni, I found myself googling student recipes to print out for him, articles on budgeting. This time around I googled suicide statistics for male students.

The results were horrifying.

Men are three times as likely to take their own life than women.  My son hasn’t been brought up with a ‘boys don’t cry’ mentality. As a family, we’ve always talked and he’s openly shared his feelings with me, his mood, his ‘I’ll-never-get-out-of-bed-again days.

But I had a constant gnawing worry – what would happen when I wasn’t there to talk to?

Mostly he manages his condition well. He knows his triggers and has coping strategies in place. His new friends are understanding when he can’t face going out or leaves a gig halfway through.

Mostly he manages.

But there are times he doesn’t.  Times when I check his Instagram story and know from the music he’s listening to that his mood has plummeted.  Sometimes he’ll come and spend a few days at home, but sometimes he’ll retreat into himself and these are the most terrifying of times for me. The dark voice whispers in my head that it’s all my fault – something I did or didn’t do – while I anxiously trawl through his social media accounts all hours of the day and night. Not because I want to know where he is, but because if he’s posted, I know he’s alive. I study photos he’s been tagged in. How does he look? But how he looks is no indication of how he feels. As he said on his blogyou can’t see mental health, you can’t look in a mirror and see the damage being caused.”

And living with that fear. The fear that one day it might all get too much for him creates such a feeling of utter helplessness, of hopelessness it’s a constant battle to balance giving him space to grow, with checking he’s okay. I try not to plague him with endless calls and messages (often I plague him with endless calls and messages).

A few nights ago he sent me an email completely out of the blue, completely out of character. It was a long and lovely message about his brothers and me, and if it had come from one of my other children I would have burst with happiness. As it was, a cold dread wrapped itself around my heart. Immediately I rang him thinking something that no parent should ever have to consider.

‘Is this a suicide note?’

‘Umm, no. I can see why you’d think that, but no. I can promise I will never do that,’ he said with sincerity, and he meant it. But I’ve worked in mental health. I know those long, dark hours where sufferers of depression convince themselves it would be a good thing if they weren’t around anymore. That everyone would be better off. Happier.

That is never the case.

My son raises awareness of mental health where he can, particularly amongst males.  I’m immensely proud of him for being so open and honest. Despite the despair he often feels, he has a desire to help others.

He said of his own journey “I went through a phase where I would drink more in the hope it would fix the problem. I can’t begin to explain how badly this impacted my mental health, constantly throwing yourself into a situation you don’t want to be in is crazy, essentially what I was doing was running as fast as I could into a wall, but every week running slightly faster and hoping that the harder I hit it, the better it would be.”

I hope that one day he stops running.

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This was a raw and emotional write I’ve shared with the permission of my son. If you or your family are affected by mental health issues you can access UK mental health services (including emergency support) here and in the US here, or speak to your doctor.

 

The Journey #FlashFiction

Photo prompt – Dawn Miller

Him

‘I need to find out who I am,’ she can’t meet my eye.

I want to tell her I know who she is; the love of my life. I want to tell her I’ve spent weeks organising a flash mob to dance her perfect proposal, but I don’t. I watch her leave.

I have my dignity, even if I don’t have her.

Her

I tell him I’m leaving and my heart actually breaks. But he’s been avoiding me. My friends have seen him out with a bunch of girls. I walk away.

I have my dignity, even if I don’t have him.

‘The Journey’ was written for Friday Fictioneers. A weekly 100 word story challenge prompted by the fabulous Rochelle. Do read the other entries and/or post your own story.