Is being introverted a flaw? A writer’s life

 

I’ve always been quite an insular person and growing up people were quick to label me, I was ‘shy’ and ‘withdrawn’ and I became convinced something must be wrong with me. Teachers would shake their head as I became close to tears after being forced onto the school stage to take part in a play, and although I tried as hard as I could during rehearsals it was never good enough – ‘try harder,’ ‘be louder,’ ‘act confident,’ – but I didn’t know how to be anyone except who I was. I wasn’t allowed to perform on the night as I was ‘too quiet’ and I felt ashamed as I was told I needed to be more outgoing; I wouldn’t get anywhere in life if I wasn’t.

At break-times my hands grew clammy as I was instructed to put my book down and pushed towards large groups of children and urged to ‘make friends.’ What nobody asked me was whether I was happy sitting reading, and I was, largely. I was always comfortable with my own company and a story to absorb myself in. I had a small, but very close group of friends to turn to if I wanted to socialise, but sometimes I wanted to be alone. This seemed to make others uncomfortable as though I needed ‘fixing’ and I began to see being introverted as a flaw.

As I grew I found myself apologising A LOT. Sorry for not being an extrovert, for volunteering for things, for pushing myself forward and as people gave me tips to fix a problem I didn’t know I had, my confidence began to ebb away. What was wrong with me?

Today I remain introverted to a degree, I think perhaps many writers are, but it has just struck me how much I have grown this past year. Just five months ago, the day before my debut ‘The Sister‘ was published my excitement was tempered by fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of falling short again. I felt sick with nerves. On launch day my publisher had booked me onto local radio to talk about my book and as my husband drove, I cried for the entire 45 minute journey there, terrified the words would stick in my throat and my tongue would tie itself into knots. Who would want to listen to me?

My second novel, ‘The Gift‘, is published tomorrow and this time around I feel nothing but pure exhilaration. I’ve just taken a call from BBC Radio Northampton confirming I’ll on again tomorrow afternoon and I surprised myself by feeling genuinely excited and I’m sifting through my thoughts as I write to try and uncover why.

I think perhaps being published is a validation of sorts, acceptance if you like, that it’s ok to sit for hours and hours in solitude, to make up stories. To be content with a quiet life.

I’ll always be an introvert but little by little, with each and every word I write, my confidence is growing. The feedback from readers, reviewers and bloggers has been life-changing. People are enjoying my stories. Stories I probably wouldn’t be able to write if I was an extrovert and I think maybe, finally, it’s ok to be just who I am.

 

Make your next book purchase count!

Today is the publication date of Dark Minds, the charity anthology compiled by the fabulous Betsy Reavley of Bloodhound Books.

Firstly, the important stuff. All proceeds of  the sales of this book will be donated to Sophie’s Appeal and Hospice UK.

Sophie’s Appeal was founded in memory of Sophie Louise Barringer and supports the social, emotional and educational welfare of children, their families, nursing and support staff and provide a caring and supporting environment in both local hospitals and in the community. There are many ways the Trust provide support to parents, carers and schools who find themselves suddenly faced with the reality of cancer.

Hospice UK are the national charity for hospice care, supporting over 200 hospices in the UK. Their aim is to make sure that everyone with a life limiting or terminal condition rightly get the very best care, and hospices are critical to achieving this.

Two hugely worthwhile causes, so how can you help? Buy the book! It is packed full of short stories by some of the best crime writers around. I’m immensely proud to be included in this collection. My story, ‘The Shoes Maketh The Man’ is about Bill, a widower who lives alone since the passing of his wife, Maureen. Bill is anxious as he watches the news report of yet another attack on the elderly and when he hears disturbing noises coming from his friend Ethel’s flat above him he is faced with a choice. Should he investigate? Would you?

You can read this, and other stories, including authors such as Lisa Hall, L.J. Ross and Steven Ross in the digital or paperback version of the book, or listen to it on audio if you’re brave enough.

Think you know Dark Minds? Think again…

Dark Minds is available from Amazon UK and Amazon US.

 

Why a book review changed my life

 

As a child, when the school reports were handed out, my stomach churned with anxiety. It’s not that I was a bad student, but I was very shy and this was something teachers were quick to point out. Every. Single. Year.

‘Louise has a good grasp of English but doesn’t join in the class debates, and needs to…’

‘Louise excels at maths but is very quiet in class, and needs to…’

‘Louise produces some excellent work but fails to put her hand up, and needs to….’

 But. But. But. And it didn’t matter how much I studied, the exams I passed, or the homework I always (nearly always) handed in on time. It was never enough. I was never enough. There was always a ‘but’ no matter how hard I tried. My results were good but my personality was always in question and my fragile confidence shrunk year after year, and the more I was told to speak up, the more insular I became.

Last month when my debut novel ‘The Sister,’ went out to Book Bloggers I was literally shaking with fear, and for days and days I couldn’t face seeing if there were reviews. I was writing my second novel and I knew I should look and take anything constructive and use it to improve my writing, so I took a deep breath, and logged on to Goodreads and clicked on a review which said: –

‘The Sister is Louise Jensen’s first novel but shows the maturity of a writer who is already very skilled at her craft.’ ‘Louise’s writing style captivated me instantly. I could hear and see each scene as it unfolded.’

So that was the good bit and I read on waiting for the ‘but….’ and ‘she needs to….’ but there wasn’t one and I’m not ashamed to admit I cried. Throughout this process I’d felt that if one person enjoyed reading Grace’s story it would all be worthwhile and suddenly it all was. Not everyone will like my story I know. Not all my reviews will be glowing, but that’s ok.

Publishers and authors talk about how important reviews are in terms of sales, of getting your name out there but I never thought they could have such an impact on the way I feel about myself.

The reviews have eradicated the memory of sitting, hands trembling, while my Mum sliced open the envelope containing my school report. That feeling of never being enough. I finally feel that I might be, just the way I am.

 

 

Embracing Change # Mindfulness

‘The only thing we can rely on in life is change.’

I like to think I’m spontaneous, open to new experiences, adventures, but at the same time, I like my routine. Structure. My little bit of normality.

My life has altered enormously over the past few years and more change is steamrollering towards me. My best friend is moving to Wales on Monday, my son leaving home, exciting things happening career wise. A real mixed bag.  Emotions are heightened. There’s a sense of waiting. Waiting until things settle. Longing for the stillness. The quietness that comes when you know where you are; feet planted on the floor. But that quietness only comes through acceptance of present circumstances. Things are what they are, not necessarily what we want them to be; and that’s not always a bad thing. How often has something happened and we’ve thought it the end of the world at the time, only to feel relief later as we look back?

I often tell the story of the Farmer and the Horse in my Mindfulness classes. A little reminder to hang-fire with judgements. Things aren’t always what they seem.

And so I wait.

And I choose to believe the fluttering I feel in my stomach is excitement, not anxiety. That my future will be bright, because ultimately we get to choose how we feel and today, I choose to be happy. How about you?

 

The Farmer and the Horse (origin unknown)

 A farmer had one old horse that he used for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills and when all the farmer’s neighbours heard about it, they sympathised with the old man over his bad luck. “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

 A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

 Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone agreed that this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, who replied, “Bad Luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

 Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and forced every able-bodied young man to go fight in a bloody war. When they saw that the farmer’s son had a broken leg, they let him stay. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

 And on it goes….

 

50 Happy Things for 2015: Bloggers Unite in Flood of Gratitude

 

When Dawn Landau invited me to take part in a gratitude blog party I didn’t need any encouragement to say yes. I’ve kept a gratitude journal for years now and it really has transformed the way I think. It can be hard some days of course to find something to be grateful for – life has a habit of knocking us down – but once we start feeling grateful, it’s like rolling a giant snowball. That warm fuzzy feeling gets bigger and bigger until it becomes part of our automatic thinking. For tips to start your own gratitude journal read this. To join in with the blog party following the instructions at the bottom of the page.

 

1. Water – I never cease to feel humbled when I turn the tap on and fresh water runs.
2. My children – No matter how bad things seem, they always make me smile.
3. My husband – A great support, I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s stepped up and fed everyone when I wanted to write ‘just one more page.’
4. Bed – I have a bad back and it’s lovely to sleep in comfort; so many don’t.
5. Healthcare – Say what you will about the NHS I feel fortunate to have received the healthcare I have.
6. Clothes – Clothes for luxury, for fashion – how lucky am I?
7. Food – I do love to eat. I can’t imagine feeling hungry everyday.
8. Climate – The UK weather is unpredictable but it allows me to grow fruit and vegetables.
9. Electricity – Making life easier in so many ways.
10. Books – Whether for learning or pure escapism I always support my local bookstore and library.
11. Mistakes I’ve made and leant from – there have been many.
12. Inventors – It blows me away to think how hard life would be without so many of the things we take for granted.
13. Scientists – Those who work tirelessly to cure diseases and make the world a better place.
14. Volunteers – It warms me to hear stories of volunteers, whether close to home or abroad.
15. Kindness – A simple act of kindness really changes my day – I pay it forward when I can.
16. Sun – As well as sustaining life, doesn’t it make you feel good to see the sunshine?
17. Friends – Always ready to listen.
18. Emergency services – Where would we be without our emergency response.
19. Mindfulness – Learning this really did change my life. So grateful to my mentor.
20. A garden – I love to be outside.
21. Light – Reading by candlelight wouldn’t be fun – I’d probably set light to my book!
22. Authors – It takes a crazy amount of time to create a book and I’m grateful to those that do.
23. Time – It’s a luxury and I carve out some for myself everyday. 10 minutes at least of doing something just for me.
24. Car – I’d feel so isolated if I couldn’t drive.
25. Music – Live gigs, cds, vinyl – I love it all.
26. Piano – I love to play even though my neighbours probably have their fingers in their ears.
27. Postal service – I’m just as likely to write a friend a letter rather than an email and receiving one back is warming.
28. Photos – So lovely to look back on – how did my children grow so quick?
29. Laughter – An essential part of my day.
30. Movies – Pure escapism.
31. Memories – Thinking of something that makes me smile.
32. Nature – I adore the countryside. The space. The air. The stillness.
33. My cat – He comes home every 30 minutes for a cuddle before going out again.
34. Money – I don’t have a lot, but I’m fortunate to get by.
35. A smile – As well as making others happy it gives a real good feeling to work those facial muscles.
36. A home – A place to hang my hat.
37. My dog – My spaniel is ridiculously happy – all the time.
38. Seeds – I can grow flowers, vegetables, I’ve even planted a tree or two.
39. Education – I’m so grateful for the opportunities we have in the UK, the qualifications my son has gained this year.
40. Spiritual gurus – The teachings of others have really improved my life.
41. Medicine – Diseases that would have killed us can now be treated – amazing.
42. Complementary health – It’s great to have a choice.
43. Wildlife – I’m animal crazy. Love to feed the birds.
44. Colour – It just makes you feel, doesn’t it?
45. A kitchen – A place to cook, to hang out and to nourish.
46. A hug – Nothing seems quite so bad afterwards.
47. Shoes – When I think of those trekking for miles barefoot for food and water…
48. Hope – ‘It’ll be ok in the end, if it isn’t ok, it isn’t the end.’
49. The blogging community – You guys gave me the confidence to write a novel.
50. Love – Where would we be without it?

 

 

If you’d like to join in, here’s how it works: set a timer for 10 minutes; timing this is critical. Once you start the timer, start your list. The goal is to write 50 things that made you happy in 2015, or 50 thing that you feel grateful for. The idea is to not think too hard; write what comes to mind in the time allotted. When the timer’s done, stop writing. If you haven’t written 50 things, that’s ok. If you have more than 50 things and still have time, keep writing; you can’t feel too happy or too grateful! 

To join the bloggers who have come together for this project: 1) Write your post and publish it (please copy and paste the instructions from this post, into yours) 2) Click here. 3) That will take you to another window, where you can past the URL to your post. 4) Follow the prompts, and your post will be added to the Blog Party List.

Please note that only blog posts that include a list of 50 (or an attempt to write 50) things that made you feel Happy or 50 things that you are Grateful for, will be included. Please don’t add a link to a post that isn’t part of this exercise.

The Memory Store

 

There’s a hidden box inside my mind, I call my memory store,

When days seem dull, I’m feeling blue, I revisit times before,

A kindness I’ve forgotten, an adventure, a good book,

Remind me that life’s full of colour; if you only look.

 

 

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. Write the first thing that springs to mind following a prompt and post. No editing allowed. This weeks post is ‘store.’

Peanuts!

 

There are lots of things I miss about childhood; the sense of euphoria on the last day of term, as endless balmy summer days stretched before me; the ability to bend and twist my body into any conceivable shape and hurl myself down hills without fear, waking on Christmas morning, stomach lurching, eyes straining in the dark, has Santa been? Snoopy.

The peanuts gang were a huge and much loved part of my life. Even now, as an adult, as a mother, I’m not ashamed to admit whenever I feel life get on top of me and I feel like giving up, I channel my inner Charlie Brown. As much as I felt his frustration every time Lucy pulled the football away I admired his determination to try again, the quiet hope that this time could be different. This time he could succeed.

I did a little snoopy happy dance when I checked the cinema listings and saw the Peanuts movie is out today. Shoes are on, tickets booked, three hours to go. I am so excited.

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. Write the first thing that comes to mind following a prompt and post. No editing allowed. This weeks prompt is ‘miss.’ Read the other entries here.

 

Mindfulness and Writing

 

Mindfulness is a huge part of my life and has really enhanced my writing. Being present not only allows me to feel the often tiny physical sensations that accompany emotions I might otherwise miss, but I also have a connection to my environment that has really enhanced my prose. Noticing colours, smells, the feel of air against my skin, those little nuances that really do make a difference.

Of course, Mindfulness also keeps me centred, focused and calm, it’s more than sitting in formal meditation, it’s being fully absorbed in the task in hand, not engaging with distracting thoughts. Yesterday I didn’t want to do a long meditation, I wanted to spend some quality time with my son so I got my creative on and we transformed a pair of his socks into Morris the Mindful Monkey. It’s hard not to be present when doing something expressive.

Morris will now sit on my desk and judge me when I don’t reach my word count in a non-judgemental, encouraging fashion.

 

There’s always tomorrow

 

Success. Finally. I can virtually taste it. If it was a tangible thing I could grasp I would press it
against my pounding heart of joy. This moment is the one I’ve been waiting for, striving for and now it’s here. I’m close, so close.

I hold my breath, something’s wrong. Euphoria is washed away by tears of frustration. I shrug off my cloak of failure, take this feeling and stack it neatly with my pile of nearlys, virtuallys and just abouts. My wall of possibilities grows higher and higher.

It almost worked, almost.

There’s always tomorrow.

The Streams of Consciousness prompt today was ‘almost.’ I immediately thought of Thomas Edison’s inspiring quote ‘I haven’t failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that didn’t work.’ He never gave up trying to invent the lightbulb. Never give up on your dreams.

Join me on the Peace Path

 

Those of us that have been blessed enough to have spent time around children will recognise the look of utter contentment babies have as they observe the bright, shiny new world they have been thrust into.

Fast forward a few years, throw a career, a home, financial stress into the mix (aka real life) and those once serene babies look as frazzled as the rest of us.

What happens to that inner peace we are born with? Where does it go?

It doesn’t actually go anywhere, but as we grow and get busier we lose touch with ourselves. We come defined by our relationships, our job titles, always busy, always striving for more, waiting for the right time to be happy. Happiness won’t come when you are 14 lbs lighter, when you have a different job, financial security. Happiness isn’t a destination.

When I lost my mobility the physical effects were hard to deal with, the emotional effects almost impossible. I see-sawed between depression when I thought about all I had lost and anxiety when I thought of all the obstacles I would face in the future. I was completely missing the present moment. Through mindfulness I have managed to make peace with the past. I take time each day to meditate and reconnect to that place inside, the place were we are enough, whatever our circumstances.

Inner peace isn’t an absence of emotion, it’s being comfortable with whatever we are currently experiencing, even if that emotion is uncomfortable. It’s about releasing the need to be in control, to let go of judgements, relearning self compassion.

The Dalai Lama once said. “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” 

I am privileged enough to teach mindfulness now. If you want to try one of my short mediations click here to listen or download. Ten minutes a day can make a significant difference to your physical and emotional health.

Join me on the peace path.

 

Written for Streams of Consciousness Saturday. This weeks prompt is Peace/Piece.