Friday Fictioneers – Burned

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Mary refills my wine as I push pieces of fillet around my plate. I search for the words to end my marriage.

She looks so damn beautiful tonight. Yesterday as my secretary wrapped her long legs around me I wanted nothing more than divorce. Today I’m not so sure.

‘Mary….’.

‘I’m leaving you.’

Hot lust and fear dance through me exploding in a fire of desperation. Sweat pricks my skin. I reach out to my wife overturning my glass. The white tablecloth stains blood red.

Her eyes are bright with tears. ‘Do you think I didn’t know?’

Shame engulfs me.

Written for Friday Fictioneers. A 100 word story inspired by a photo prompt.

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57 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers – Burned

  1. Good one. Small crit…I wouldn’t bother with a clunky word like ‘interjects’. The fact that she has spoken shows she’s interrupted the other speaker i.e. I’d go with:

    ‘I’m leaving you,’ she says.

    πŸ™‚

  2. Your story fulfilled your title but in a different way than the reader expects from the way you started. Good job.

    Maybe you could say “Mary…” and then “interjects” (or possible “interrupts”) works a bit better. Seems that he was probably going to say something after her name and the dots would show that. Just a thought. What do you think?

    janet

  3. Holy Smokes! What a GREAT short story. I want to read the rest of the book. … Well really, I’ll just turn to the end of the book to see if he is still alive. … Very good writing with emotional tones and twists. … I like it.

  4. Too bad lack of word-space doesn’t allow the addition of, “And taking you to the cleaners.” after “I’m leaving you.” A well told cautionary tale. πŸ™‚

    Does anyone want to tell an old dinosaur how to insert single quotation marks?? Do I access Symbols?

  5. Dear Louise,

    I love it that his wife beat him to the punch. I honestly felt nothing for him and felt that he had it coming. Although I agree about ‘interjected’ I still say well done.

    shalom,

    Rochelle

  6. Wow, such a strong story; wonderful dialogue. But I can’t help but add my tuppence worth…I’m not sure about the ‘hot lust’ dancing through him at that exact point. I can see that he’s lustful before – fancying his wife again, thinking about his secretary, but just after she says ‘I’m leaving all’ I would have thought all feelings of lust would vanish instantly.
    Claire

  7. Fantastic! The twists, sharp dialogue and storytelling are just wonderful. “Hot lust and fear…” Doesn’t that just nail it! The forbidden fruit, that which we can’t have, always seems so much more desirable. Love this writing!

  8. Great shifts of emotion and control from one character to the other. The image of him knocking the glass of wine and it spilling on the table cloth adds such a strong visual element to the dialogue.

  9. Very well written. Loved the tiny details in there. He wasn’t ashamed looking at his beautiful wife but only after he was caught. Good one!

  10. Louise, Good story. It looks like he wasn’t paying attention all this time. Just how dumb did he think she was? The secretary was probably even wearing perfume and lipsitck that stuck to his clothes. He was living in a dream world. Good for his wife. I’m surprised the wine didn’t end up dumped on his head. If she divorces him, I hope she socks it to him. I agree that he’s probably cheated before, and she just can’t take it any more. He may have a problem he needs professional help with. If so, he’ll very likely end up alone. Well written. πŸ™‚ —Susan

  11. Dear Louise, All she needs is a ‘no questions asked’ Apothecary Shop and she could give him a stomach ache that would last a long, long, time! Wonderful, wonderful story. Like I told my husband when we first got married “I won’t ever be a divorcee – maybe a widow though. He understood and we have laughed about it several times over the 44 years of marriage. Good job Louise, Good Job! Nan πŸ™‚

  12. What a jerk! He was certainly aware of his own moment to moment feelings but seems to give no thought to his wife’s 😦
    I was chuckling over you running of words before you could do him in and Nan’s comment.
    Ellespeth

Constructive criticism appreciated

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