Friday Fictioneers – Surprise!

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‘Ed!’ he looks up guilty, slamming shut the laptop. His pyjama clad wife glares at him, hands on hips. ‘Its gone midnight, what the hell are you doing on that thing?’

‘Looking at porn, umm sorry.’ Ed blurts out.

‘No surprises there then,’ she spits and thumps back to bed.

Feeling smug at his quick thinking he opens up the lid and continues arranging Sarah’s 40th party. He wants to surprise her. He doesn’t think she realises how much he loves her.

Upstairs, tears dripping from her cheeks, Sarah pulls a suitcase from the top of the wardrobe and starts packing.

 

 

 

Written for Friday Fictioneers, a 100 word story based on a photo prompt.

 

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57 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers – Surprise!

  1. Oh, that’s so sad and sweet! I agree with the other commenter: he should have said something more like: “My boss gave me loads of extra work today.” or “I had to get to my emails! I have 2,000.” However, if that wasn’t a normal thing to say, it might cause some suspicion.

  2. A good story. Sometimes a lie will cause more consequences than you can ever imagine. I wasn’t sure about half of it being in first person, and the last part in third. It was a big jump for me.

    • Thanks for the feedback Claire. I wanted to do something a bit more lighthearted this week so the story ended but then I realised I had 15 words left so tagged the last line on. You are right, I will change.

  3. Oh no, I had an awful feeling something like that was going to happen as I read through your story 😦
    I hope he manages to rescue the situation (though he should think before he speaks in future!).

  4. Oh, this broke my heart. I hope he breaks the truth in a more tactful way so that hopefully, the party will still be a hit. I do feel bad for the guy, but this is one of those situations where preparation is key! 🙂 Thanks for bringing a smile to my day!

  5. Dear Fabulousricator,

    That was a killer story that makes me want to hold in intervention. Getting the audience worked up for or against your characters (in this case, both, both ways for both) is exactly what a good writer should strive to do. Very well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  6. Very clever twist! When he said he was looking at porn I was thinking ‘why doesn’t he just lie?’ and then when it turned out he wasn’t looking at porn I immediately switched to ‘why did he lie!’ So you’ve entertained me and shown me up for the big hypocrite I am, all in 100 words!
    😀

  7. Wow – I agree with Horus above. I sure hope one of them listens to reason. 40th birthday parties are a hoot. We had a mock funeral at one (I wrote the skits for 5 of them). Even made her angel wings with a halo. Some of the guys gave her a 4 bu_ _ salute. You know – just stupid things- Poor Sarah is upstairs packing her bags, tears rolling down her cheeks. I do think he should of said, “Hey I’m looking at some famous Japanese art – almost done honey!” would have been so much better. You are really a good writer! Thanks, Nan 🙂

Constructive criticism appreciated

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